Becs Journal

well binged and binged and binged and binged .... etcc .... :( im so dumb... i have to do better tomorow... im depending on it !
xx

ahhhaaa.. ! today was pretty amazing.. i had a good day. just been very shillyyy ,.. i need to get a bit of a handle. it sucked cus we went out to eat TWICE... so i ended up having to eat... but then i went clubbin aftawards and was walking all day so hopefully i burnt alot. i shouldnt have drank so much though.. wat an idiot... but i had fun! and im too happy to care.. :) i know thats  badd.. i need to start a frsh tmrw.. yay parents are at a wedding, sooo they are out all nght! yay no fooood :D :D ... i have lost nothing for like 4 days grrrr ffs! but , yanno ,.. it will take time. everyone has saying i havelost so much weighhtt :D cus i went to this party earler and they were like ohhh mmy god :D i was soo pleased with maself. :)...goood day... bad for food... but can oonly get better!!!!!
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so im in bed and cant get to sleep.. and i just keep thinking. about everything...about life. about friends especially. when is the point of anorexia when your friends just cant deal with your negativity, is it when you get to a stage or does it depend on them? i mean,i have friends but this is testing the true definition of someone being a friend. i get so low sometimes, just thinking about how i wish people would maybe even treat me better. i dont know. maybe this is why i have this. i hate it , its constantly eating at me , away like im some kind of decaying thing and every day i live longer with it i feel a little bit more empty, a little bit more hollow. and i dont mean down to food either. that kind of sinking feeling. you can just feel it going down, all the way down into the pit of your stomach and then it just lays there like a bit fat warp of a person, in effect ,what i am becoming. one of my best friends completely made me lose faith in people sticking with you through thick and thin. i dont feel i can rely on anyone. everyone just seems to want to kick me when i am down. i dont understand.. i must be such a horrible person ... orjust boring or blank or a nothing... a bit fat nothing to everyone. i dont even know if i am worthy of anyone. i am so withdrawn. just empty, i have nothing to think about , but everything to think about. i wish i could be more optimistic , but i am ashamed of myself. i know how every single person in my family would feel about this. its one of those things that never go away. i have done some bad stuff when i was younger maybe even two or one years ago, who knows, but im still reminded of them. i dont know if its even because im a perfectionist. sure, people can try and analyse it. but every single person is different. i keep thinking, maybe if i was a little bit nice or tried a little harder than i would so many more friends. this is such bullshit. i bet you nobody on here really joined to listen to others problems. my aunties a frikin counseller but she cant listen for shit. it just makes you think. i dont even know if i will ever get better. sometimes i have thoughts about how i will be when i am 16, 18, 20.. what will i be like. i will either be majorly underweight and ana or fat from a fucked metabolism. will i even have friends.. who even knows? beyond that.. who really cares? nobody , because no one understands, especially as im in a super pessimistic frame of mind and cant stop crying and being down, shouting at the people who care about me.  i should only expect it. i dont deserve any more i honestly dont. if i was nicer or funner or more optimistic i wouldnt be where i am at the moment. if i was born skinnier i wouldnt either. but its all very well of me saying thse things but i wasnt born any of these things. i suppose the only thing i can try and do, like everyone else, is just do cope. part of me wants to get rid of this. i probably could.but once it is gone wouldnt i miss it. ana gives me something to think about no matter what. i never stop thinking, its obsessional. i think about it in class , all day, before my friends, and when i meet anyone. its always there, like some bad deed stuck in the back of your head is when you are 5 ...i wish it would all go away and i had never got into it , but its here now,and if i push ana she will only get her revenge back on me. i always think is everyone here,where we born to be anorexics, was it planned? who planned it, is it even something in our genetic make up. i wish i knew the answers to half my questions but i dont. i hope i never really get far enough tofind out. it will mean i am always depressed. i wish i could be more thankful and more apreciative of where i live and what i can do. but not even this consumes my mind. its all ana. ana fucking ana.. i wish i could tell her to leave me alone, but i need her more now than ever. i need to cheer up. i need to appreciate the little things. i need to keep busy. when i was first ana i always thought so naively , that i would be confident with a hot body,if only i could lose this many lbs. but now it dusnt even matter.. its just there. i sometimes dont even need to think about it. i wakeup and i work out, i work out before i go to sleep. i cant sit down and not think about ways of burning cals so now i have a super annoying habit of shaking my leg no matter what ..although... now i have got this all out , hopefully i can get some sleepp.. im tired , but also thinking overtime.. im hopeful tommorow will bring better luck for me... xxx night journaldudee

Bitttchy people mann...talking about ana and me when really they dont understand any of it at all
Mann how annoying! Anyway today was shit i eat loads,.. worked out in the morning but im aching so much i cant do anymore.. i did however.. see an amaaazing band play which was cool :) cheered me up and i danced in the crowd so hopefully i burnt cals whilstt doing so! I feel so fat.. so i am gonna try and eat hardly anything tmrw.. however im gonna avoid the food when we go out for a meal.. and try and lay of the alcohol when we go clubbin.. so i dont lose all self control.
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Well i just joined this thing today. I feel so crap. my step mumm made me eat today. she cooked fish, eeugh it was disgusting. all that fat. i need to get out. i have to go somewhere, like for a walk or run or sumthing.. i have done 100 sqauts today. but because i did tonnes of them yday i couldnt even carry on ...how pathetic of me .. grr i hate bein this fat.. like 126lbs & 5'11 ... wtf? :( need to lose more weight -- must try lots harder. the holidays are the hardest for not eating.... i just get bored and eat, or i dont eat but my parents realise. when we go back to school its gonna be so easy .. im gonna be so skinny i just cant wait ! need to lose this.... i hope so much my sister dosent find out.she will lose all her respect for me.. but shes bound to notice soon.. i wish nobody even cared about what i eat... why are they alll trying to make me soo fuckin fat :@